People first feel, then they think, then they act. This isn’t just an observation from a lifelong educator but what neuroscience tells us about human behavior. Our emotions often take the lead before our rational, thinking brain enters the conversation.
You know this. What have you heard more than anything about leadership? Relationships. The root of “relationship”? Relate. And if you are going to lead others, you have to develop a relationship.
So you HAVE to relate.
Which means, if you think, “well I’m just blunt… or I’m a direct person”… that’s great, but how well will it contribute to the development of your relationship with them?
Honey on the spoon.
YOU may be fine with direct feedback. But if you want to be effective in leading others, you’d do well to learn how they best receive it.
Most educators love the Rita Pierson quote,
Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.
While she didn’t say it explicitly, I believe the same holds true with your teachers; they don’t learn from people they don’t like, either.
So, those of us in the Ed Admin coaching world frequently say that you can’t try to make everyone happy. Making everyone happy is pretty-impossible and isn’t the path to being an effective leader. Here’s where we need some clarity: that tenet doesn’t mean that you can go about your work not caring how people feel. Both of these things can be (and I believe are) true. You can’t make everybody happy, but you certainly shouldn’t take that to mean that you can make everyone mad.
It’s not the smartest person who makes the best leader. It’s not the tallest, or the strongest, or the one with the most degrees, either. While those traits could help you in your quest, never take your eyes off of the real measure of this job:
how effectively can you connect with others and lead them? Are you able to get other people to do what they need to do, the way they need to do it, AND find joy and purpose in doing so?
That’s what school leadership is about. You are measured by what others do. The things you should be thinking about daily? Connections. Relationships. Time. Trust. Influence. THESE are the steps in the journey to success in leadership. Take a deep look at the beginning of the train, connections. This train never leads the station without developing connections with others. Developing connections takes a person who invests time to listen to the people she is there to lead. Better listener, better leader. Weak listener, weak leader.
Likeability isn’t completely measured by what kind of listener you are, but they seem to follow each other closely. Unlikeable leaders are often bad listeners. Bad listeners are usually not approachable, not likeable. How do you know if someone’s a good listener? You can tell through their subsequent actions. If you engage in conversation with someone but you don’t really hear them, your actions will be driven from your own thoughts and priorities.
But if you’re that good listener who hears well… what you do next is going to relate to the person whom you were listening. And they’ll notice it. They’ll see it, they’ll hear it, and they’ll come back to you again with a positive perspective of you as a listener and leader.
People want confidence in their leaders. They do not, however, admire cockiness. Who do you have around you to keep you in check?
Want to lead? Become more likeable. Want to be more likeable? Listen better. Serve others. Find your joy in other people’s success. Build people up, don’t tear them down. Lead from a sense of confidence that you can do this job well (someone picked you for this, remember?) and not from a place of insecurity that you have to show everyone how smart you are or that you have some authority now.
Chances are that you were selected because you were good with other people. Not like Santa Claus, but like a trusted coach who has your back and knows how to motivate you.
Don’t be stingy with putting some honey on the spoon. To grow your people, you have to know your people and you respond to them in the ways that works for them. And you learn that by asking, and listening. Over time, leading to trust. In consideration of their feelings and in how they receive information. That’s how you do it.
Leave a Reply